Outcasts
by Rachel Hawkins
Summary: Post-Solitary love triangle angst. Following the golf game, Kate argues with Jack before heading back to the beach with Sawyer.


Outcasts

"Nice shot," Kate said, handing Jack the sunscreen tubes Sawyer had lost in the bet.

"Thanks. I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure if you would."

"I heard there was a golf game set up. Had to see if it was true," Kate said, watching as people started heading back, either to the beach or the caves.

Jack watched them too. "You sure I can't convince you to stay at the caves?" Jack asked, sliding a club back into the golf bag.

Kate's lips tipped up in a smile. "My answer's the same as it's been, Jack. I can't stay at the caves."

"I just don't understand."

"We've been through this."

"Yeah. You want to wait for rescue. But that's not everything, is it?"

She looked up at him, then followed his gaze to where Sawyer lounged against a tree, smoking a cigarette. Her eyes slid from the scrapes on his face to his split lip, to the white bandage that stood out in stark relief against his tanned skin.

"You think I'm staying at the beach because of Sawyer?"

"The way you were with him today...that connection he said you have. It's there, isn't it?"

She looked down and sighed. She really didn't want to have this conversation, but it seemed there was no avoiding it. She'd brushed off Jack's questions about Sawyer before, but she didn't see a way out of it this time.

"I understand him...sort of. We're more alike than you'd think."

"How?"

"We're both outcasts."

Jack frowned. "You're not an outcast, Kate. You've been a part of things since the day we crashed."

"And if everyone knew what you know about me, they'd be scared to death. Hurley was, the day you found my mugshot. If everyone knew the truth about me, they'd hate me as much as they hate Sawyer."

"So is that why you're staying on the beach? To wait for the day everyone finds out so you can be hated together?"

"Well, I hope they don't find out. And no, I don't want to be hated. I'm not staying on the beach because of Sawyer. I'm staying because it's what I need to do."

"There's nothing that will change your mind?"

She shook her head, a half-smile crossing her face. "Sorry. Besides, I want to be there when Sayid gets back. He may have been a soldier, but that doesn't mean it's not dangerous out there."

There was a long pause. "So are we...okay?"

She looked up at him, then paced away a few steps, buying herself time to find the right words. But instead, they just tumbled out. "You say you don't understand why I won't come to the caves. But what I don't understand is why you and Sayid were so quick to jump to torture the other day."

"Shannon was sick, Kate. She needed help. We didn't have time to ask nicely and wait to see if he'd give it to us."

"He didn't have it."

Jack glanced at Sawyer. "You really believe him, that Boone's book just washed up on shore?"

"Yeah, I do. And tell me this. You already had him tied to that tree. Why didn't you just leave him there and search his stuff? You could have seen that he didn't have the medication, and none of that would have happened."

"I can't feel guilty for what happened, Kate. We were doing what we thought we had to do. And don't forget, none of this would have happened if Sawyer hadn't led us to believe he had the medication."

Kate looked up at him but quickly looked away. "You know why he did it, don't you?" Jack asked.

She looked over at Sawyer, not saying anything.

"Why, Kate? Help me understand."

She shook her head, finally looking back at him. "It's not my place to say."

Jack's gaze was searching, his brows knitted in confusion and curiosity. "What happened between you two in the jungle, Kate? Why are you suddenly jumping to his defense?"

She looked off into the distance, subtly shifting away from him. What had happened in the jungle...it wasn't something she wanted to talk about, with Jack or anyone else. She was having a hard enough time not thinking about it herself.

"What happened, happened," she said. "It's over with now."

Jack turned and watched as the field continued to empty. "Was he telling the truth? Did you really...kiss him?" he asked, not looking at her.

She gazed up at his profile, noting the set of his jaw. It would have been obvious to a blind woman that he didn't like the idea. "Jack..."

His lips tipped into a ghost of a smile, but there was no humor behind it. He shook his head slightly. "So it is true."

"Does that make you think less of me?" she asked after a moment. She kicked at a patch of dirt near where she stood. She folded her arms and looked off into the distance, wondering why what he thought mattered. Wondered why what anyone thought mattered. It had been two weeks since the crash, but they were all still virtual strangers. Oh, they were starting to talk to each other, starting to form connections and alliances, but they were all still keeping secrets.

She knew she was. She couldn't remember a time when she hadn't been keeping secrets. But now, since those moments in the forest with Sawyer, since reading his letter, things had become a lot more complicated. She was keeping not only her secrets, his secrets, but _their_ secrets.

"I don't...think less of you, Kate," Jack said. "I just don't understand. I've never seen him be anything but an antagonistic smartass. I guess I don't see what his appeal could be."

Kate shrugged, not taking her gaze off of the distant mountains. "It's like your tattoos, I guess," she said.

"My tattoos?" he asked, his brows furrowed. He glanced from her to his arm and back again. "What do my tattoos have to do with you kissing Sawyer?"

Her smile was soft, her eyes pleading with him for understanding. "When I asked about them you said you had your reasons, but you didn't want to get into them."

Jack nodded as Charlie and Hurley ambled past, not saying anything until they had disappeared into the trees, out of hearing range. "So that's where we are."

"That's where we are," she repeated quietly.

They were silent for several long moments, each wishing things were different, but neither wanting to be the one to take the first step toward change.

Kate looked up at him, hating their impasse, wishing she didn't have Sawyer's torture, and his kiss, to color her image of Jack. He was the easy choice, the safe choice. She should be mending fences, not widening the gulf between them. But she couldn't seem to help herself.

"You should head back soon," Jack said. "You don't want to be caught out in the jungle after dark."

"Right." She looked up at him. "I'll talk to you soon, then."

"Yeah." He smiled a little. "I'll talk to you soon," he said, then lifted the golf bag and headed for the caves.

* * *

"Trouble in paradise?" Sawyer called out as Kate strode past him.

"What?"

"You and Captain Jack. Heard you fighting."

She turned and looked back toward where Jack had disappeared. "You heard us?"

"Just a few words here and there, but I recognize a lover's spat when I see one, Freckles."

"It wasn't a lover's spat," she said, rolling her eyes. She and Jack weren't lovers, and they weren't going to be. She wasn't looking for a lover. All she really wanted was some peace. But on this island peace was a rare commodity.

"But you _were_ fighting," Sawyer said, falling into stride next to her.

"We were...disagreeing," she said. Disagreeing about her staying on the beach, about Sawyer's innocence or guilt, and about the kiss.

Jack knew about the kiss. She didn't worry that he'd keep it a secret; he'd seemed so confused and off-put by the idea that she had no doubt he'd keep it to himself. But the simple fact that he knew was disconcerting. It complicated their relationship and was sure to add an extra layer of tension whenever they were around each other.

And then there was Sawyer. Every time she looked at him, she remembered it. Remembered the feel of his lips pressed to hers, his tongue gliding against hers. She hadn't planned _that_ kiss. She'd planned a simple, closed-mouth kiss, but as soon as her lips met his, something electric had sparked between them, and she'd lost herself in the sensations. She'd broken away an instant before it flared out of control, and now the sensations were burned into her mind.

She didn't want to admit to herself that it had been more than a simple kiss. It had forged a connection between them that was sure to complicate life down the road.

"So what were y'all _disagreeing_ about?"

"The caves," she said with a shrug. There was no way she was going to tell him the whole story. He didn't need to know that she'd been arguing about him.

"Jacko want you to move to Cavetown with him?" Sawyer asked.

"He thinks the caves are safer."

"So why is it that you're staying at the beach?"

"I don't have to agree with everything he says," she murmured.

They walked on in silence for a while, the beginnings of sunset casting an orange glow through the trees. Kate glanced up at him, ignoring a sudden urge to reach up and brush her fingers over his cuts and scrapes.

"I was surprised you showed up today," she said.

"I'm full of surprises, Sweetheart."

Kate rolled her eyes and swallowed a laugh. "I was glad you came."

He looked down at her. "Don't read too much into it. Could be I just wanted to see Jacko choke."

"I don't doubt that," she said. Jack and Sawyer were opposites, and it wouldn't surprise her if Sawyer had wanted to see Jack knocked off some pedestal. Most people didn't know about the torture, and no one who'd witnessed it was anxious to share the details. The hostility Sawyer had faced on the golf course today had been built during their stay on the island.

She didn't know if knowledge of the torture, and Jack's part in it, would outweigh everyone's disdain for Sawyer, but she wasn't going to be the one to bring the issue to the table. She didn't want to talk about the torture. She was having a hard enough time dealing with it in private, and every time she looked at Sawyer and saw his scrapes, she thought about it again.

It almost seemed like Sawyer was dealing with it better than she was. Not that he was the type to talk about his pain. He hadn't talked about the torture, and she was still recovering from learning the truth about his past. She was the only one he really talked to, but she hadn't expected him to open up to her the way he had when he woke up after the impromptu surgery in the forest. Of course, he'd almost immediately shut down again and chased her away, but they had to start somewhere.

"How's your arm?" she asked.

"Hurts like hell," he said off-handedly. "The doctor did a real number on me."

"It's not like he had an operating room and all the equipment he needed."

"Look at you defending him," Sawyer said, that familiar sneer on his face.

She sighed. She didn't want to get caught in the middle of their feud. She didn't want to have to defend one to the other. "It's not about defending him," she said. "It's just about stating facts."

"Did you know what they were doing?" Sawyer asked. "Did you have a part in it?"

"I saw them drag you out of the tent," she admitted.

"Really? So you knew what they were doing the whole time?"

She gritted her teeth at his tone. She felt guilty enough for having done so little to stop what had happened; she didn't need him to heap it on. "Tell me what I could have done to stop them," she demanded. "Following after them and yelling at them to stop wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference."

She walked ahead, not waiting for a response. She didn't want to have this fight with him. She was already at odds with Jack, and Sayid was gone; she didn't want to fight with Sawyer too. Those three were the ones she'd bonded with; she didn't want to lose all three connections within the space of a couple of days.

"Okay, so tell me something," he said as he caught up with her. "That thing you said earlier. One outcast to another. What did you mean by that? Nobody treats you like an outcast."

Kate was silent, staring off into the distance.

"Come on, Freckles. I showed you mine."

She glanced up at him, fighting the grin that pulled at her lips. She was by no means immune to his rough-edged, devil-may-care charm, but her secret, the reason she was an outcast, wasn't something she planned on sharing. With him or anyone else, for that matter. "It was just a comment. It doesn't have to have any deep meaning."

"'Cept I'm betting it does," he said with a raised eyebrow.

"The past doesn't matter here," she said after a moment. "Talking about it won't do any good for anybody."

"Gotta do something to pass the time."

"And how do I know that as soon as I tell you, you won't use it as blackmail?"

"That's what you think of me?" he asked, his eyes narrowed slightly, though his lips were tipped up in one of his sardonic grins.

She held his gaze, and knew that like it or not they were connected. They were both wary, distrustful, and had been scarred by their pasts. Neither really knew how to make their way in the world anymore. They'd both been running from life, and themselves, for too long.

"I'm not going to talk about my past," she said quietly. "All I want to do is forget it ever happened."

They walked in silence, an uneasy companionship developing between them. They were lost souls in a foreign land, being forced to learn a new way of being. Kate didn't know where she'd end up, or how she was going to get there, but she knew that she wasn't going to get there without Sawyer's help. Unwittingly or not, he'd given her something that no one else on the island could. He'd made her feel like she wasn't quite so alone, and she wasn't going to forget it.


End file.
